Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
