Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
