There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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