I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
