i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
