I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
