your parents love me but you hate me
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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