Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
