Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
