Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
