Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
