Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
