How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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