worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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