just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
