I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
