You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
