News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
