I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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