So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
