Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
