3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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