Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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