I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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