I accidentally burped into my bong.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
