There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
