If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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