I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
