I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
