i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Randomize
