Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize