Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
