if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
