it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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