I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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