i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
