Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Randomize
