Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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