Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
