Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
