i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
