so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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