I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
