Where are you?
In a non slutty way
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
