I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
