Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
