I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
