Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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