You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
