i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
