Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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