I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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