Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
