remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
