i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize