My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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