I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
